a loneliness that is not alone...

From many years I was wondering that why a new born child cry so much??

I mean what is the point in crying…..you r coming in a new world..you are getting a new shape…there are lots of celebrations….you should be smiling….and really many time I got irritated of this…but when I reached to Rajkot…I got a full chance to understand what is wrong with an infant.…I am in Rajkot from last 1 week…and this week was like hell..I dnt know anybody in Rajkot…don’t know means really don’t know any damn body…..except 2 people…both were my colleague in Ahmadabad but in different deptt. When I was in Ahmadabad I have a hi-bi relation with both of them (all in all 4 times hi and bi in 2 months to both)….so these are my closest here…

Anyway I was getting the feeling dat how it feels when you are in a different state..much away from your parents and friends,,,you are at a place when no body understands your language…they dnt know what you want to speak, neither they care….when they are responding you, you dnt knw what they are saying…everything looks stranger to you…you are using your eyes and hands to make you understand more then your vocals…you dnt know what people are talking around you…you dnt know how to express yourself in their language..i was feeling like crying with highest peak of my vocal chords…and now I got it why a new born infant cry so much….

I am all alone….believe me guys when you have some work or a good company of friends then you will never realize how quickly time passes…but when you are alone and dnt have much to do then you can sense even a tick of second of your clock….

This loneliness has its huge losses on your thinking really…it started chewing you...your thinking will be tends to negative…you will feel that everybody is busy, except you….no one bothers to know how are you…no one has the time to ask what you are doing..you are in the list of no one’s priority…no one cares whether you are dead or alive….really and suddenly in a moments you will justify everything…like suicide too…

That was my mental condition in 1^st week in rajkot…I was kind of fighting with my self…I believe that everybody has a good part and a devil part…and any one of them will rule your mind depending on whom you are giving more energy..and suddenly my mind becomes the devil’s workshop..

But after this I think a lot and decided to use this loneliness in my favor…I have decided to make my self sufficient busy…so that I can get rid of this negativity….i have decided to give this time to myself…to my hobbies..to develop new skills…to know people…to make myself happy…to make others happy…to know where actually I am going….to find what is my destiny…

I know the present time is toughest time in my life and it will be for 1 full year…as I am starting everything from scratch…just after 3 months theoretical training I have joined on field….zero practical knowledge as such..new city..new people….regionalism…office politics…bad boss…away from almost every one you know…know one like you..you are the unwanted party…and everyone looks you as an intruder..

But I have decided I will not surrender….i will fight….i will fight till the end of night….

I always believe that every city has certain symbols, certain codes (I know I am sounding like dan brown).. and to be comfortable with a city or a culture you have to put your breathe in synchronization to that of cities….you have to understand its codes..you have to give respect to its values,its peoples…you have to leave all your prejudices…then only you will feel comfortable….then only you can make it like home…

So if I can be able to survive in these conditions then it will be biggest confidence booster forever….